Dating. Period End of Sentence. Is it hard at any age?

I started dating a few years after my husband died, and I thought...well can't be much different than what it was like before I met him. At 60 years old, I also wondered if men would be more mature, or would I be more confident. I was right and I was wrong. But there was a dating before and a dating after kind of mentality that I didn't see. You see, in the past I was dating within my trauma. My choices and decisions around everything in my life were trauma based. My body was protecting me as if I was in danger. And there were many things I had chosen do, how I spoke, how I committed, my boundaries in relationship that were all tied to my trauma. And yet, I still didn't see it. These are things I could not see in trauma. I didn't begin to see it until after my Gentle Trauma Release (c) work.

There were a few things different...the ability to meet a guy on line, through social media dating, the cell phone that gives you access to anything including whether or not a man has called 24/7, and because of these new ways of dating we are more apt to meet somewhere, rather than getting picked up for a date. In these three scenarios I can see the good and the bad. In trauma, waiting for the guy or girl to call the thought "Will they call? Did they call? Does he like me? What did I do wrong, and even, omg He calls too much and I want less, and then there is the texting....Is that all he every does? Does he know how to pick up the phone and call?" all those thoughts that lead to you or me feeling worse or not worthy can be trauma related. I was looking outside myself to find myself, to feel worth, to be loved.

Meeting in a place rather than picking me up at my home, made sense. But there was this thought that if I am not trusting of him picking me up, should I even meet this person? Is he someone I can trust? Have I talked with him enough to make sure he is trustworthy? And, trauma based, even a red flag can look pink. And when talking, on the phone and in person, every flag, little or big I could justify. After all, I could help anyone right and everyone deserves a chance right? And, this person is interested in me, I need to stay open to knowing him or he might leave me.

Women in trauma all respond to relationships in different ways. What I am sharing here is how I responded to relationships. I knew something wasn't working in this but I wasn't quite sure what it was. I felt like I was standing in the middle of my life, looking and sometimes living in my past, and after healing through Gentle Trauma Release (c) I was

seeing me and my way of living different; the other side of where I stood, in that middle space. I needed to find a way to get out of the middle, one foot in the trauma space that I was used to and felt safe in, and the other foot in that new me space that had released the trauma and wanted to live as my most authentic self. I just wasn't completely sure who I was. But I did know I was allowing my trauma past to have some control, and that needed to change. But how?

Gentle Trauma Release did heal my trauma, but I had a few things hanging on that needed to be faced. And so, with GTR I faced them, did the work, and healed some more. (I will be doing a video on that part of my story next week so check out my YouTube channel next week, but I will also have a link here). As I began to work on my trauma story, I could see me in my trauma with al the men in my life, those I had dated, got engaged to, even married were all part of this trauma, my trauma based choices. And that past was getting in the way of my new future. Please know, it wasn't the men themselves, these were the men I met based on my trauma persona. I didn't know that at the time, but I could see it now.

As I worked through this, all the thoughts, all the healing, I was talking to a few men. I was sort of seeing one man and that was a mess. Believe it or not, I found out he was trying to meet/date another woman (she told me), and yet, I justified it, she mush have miss read that message, and then me, I wanted to still see him. Crazy or what? And I kept for months on end reaching out, wanting to see him, wanted him to want me in his life when clearly, he wasn't good enough for me! Crazy as this sounds to me now....I needed closure. I needed him to say he didn't want to see me anymore. Otherwise, I wouldn't be able to let him go. I needed to be hurt more in order to walk away. And, I didn't want to hurt HIS feelings! I have to laugh at myself now as I write this.

As I worked through the trauma behind all of this I also learned a few things about myself, and began to work on me. First, I realized I truly needed to continue working on my enoughness. I needed to continue learning how to love myself and the words I said to myself the "I love you, You are enough," thoughts began to have more meaning. I believed them. This led to looking at my life and the space I was leaving open for the phone call, or the conversation, for someone to do something with and I realized there

were things that I wanted to do that I was holding back from. I was making time for a man, that wasn't able to make time for me. So I set up a few rules for myself. Not hard rules, but perhaps boundaries for myself. I never had boundaries, and I needed to learn how to have them, and this wasn't for the men, they were boundaries for me. One ot the syptoms of trauma can be very porous boundaries. I had very porous boundaries, and in this space with men and dating I know my boundaries barely existed.

Here are a few of the things I did to hold my self accountable to the life I wanted to live moving forward:

1) I began by putting my phone away. I let go of needing to check the phone for texts or calls. I started filling my time with things I could get into in a way that I wouldn't think about that phone.

2) I stopped accepting invitations that were offered the day of. I only accepted if they were at least 24-48 hours away.

3) I scheduled things and held myself accountable to what I committed to. If I wanted to swim two days a week, they got on the schedule and I did them regardless of any kind of request for me to do something else instead. Even having something planned for myself at home, like watching a movie. If I was asked out for the day I had that scheduled, then No was the answer. I wasn't playing games, I was holding myself accountable.

4) When I said no, it was just a no. I can't do that today. I didn't have to apologize or tell the person why, it was just a no.

5) I learned to put myself first in everything. In my career job, in all of my relationships, and in conversation. I did not share all of me until I was ready or knew it was something I wanted to share with that person.

6) I made time. I am no longer in a hurry to get someone to like me, or want me, or love me. I made time for me. And often times its time alone. And when in that alone space I take time to get to know what I want and who I am. I might get lost in a book or a course, or work on building my business. All the things I really love and want to accomplish.

7) I get out of the house. I am a single woman (no kids) so I didn't need to be home all the time waiting on a text or a date, or something to do with someone. I had to break the waiting game. So I started slow. I changed the times I get groceries, I took myself to dinner, I went to the bookstore, I took my camera out somewhere to take pictures. I made plans for my weekend.

8) I started volunteering. And I held myself accountable to showing up.

9) I paid attention to my health. When I am in the trauma space, my decisions for food and snacking ran high. I put three things in order 1) making healthily food choices each and every day 2) working out 3x a week, with a personal trainer and on the other days, heading to the gym to walk, or the pool to swim. I have a calendar, and I follow what I put on it. At first I would schedule then cancel and move it to another day. It took awhile on this one, but its working for me now.

10) And the biggest one as it relates to dating....I started speaking up. If my body is telling me "He is not the one", I move on. I am kind, but I tell the guy that we are not a match, and I move on. I no longer try to make it "fit". I would rather be alone instead of being in a relationship just to be in relationship. And if it hurts someone's feelings, sorry about that, but its better than any other option.

What happened? Or rather what happens when you start to create this sort of new way of living and looking at life?

I find that I am meeting more interesting people, and they seem to match where I am at more and more. I am no longer wasting time on relationships that aren't in line with my life and how I want to live it. I say no and not interested a lot more, and I don't say yes when I know from the very beginning, whether it be their picture, what they write in their profile, or that first phone call we have or don't have, if I am not feeling it, I move on easily and without regret. I start as friends first. That is the way I look at it now. I am meeting someone for coffee, and a conversation.. And that is all it is. It is not "my future person", he is just a guy I am meeting.

The dating scene is fun and enjoyable if you let it be. Especially if you let go of feeling not good enough, or unworthy of attention and love. We are all on this planet with something to offer and I truly believe that the one meant for me will show up but only when I am in my most authentic space. In the meantime, the ones I meet are simply showing me where I am right this moment. And that is okay as I continue on my Barefoot Woman Journey of discovery.

What about you? What is your dating or relationship story? Does Trauma get in your way? Share below.